I've failed

I have failed. Yes, I have failed. There's really no other words to put it. Besides: "I've failed". 

Many of people think that I'm a joyful, short Asian girl. I think it's very rare of me to go out in public without having a smile on my face. That's because I try to hide it all. Everything. Since the summer of 2012,  I have learned (the hard way) that sometimes you just have to go out there, have a smile on your face and everything will be fine. Stop having all these negative thoughts. Self harm and self hate is not okay. It's not healthy. Well, until recently, that doesn't work. Maybe this time, I have to go out there, looking like I'm a homeless little prick and most importantly, stop pretending that everything is fine because really Nadya, it's not fine at all. 

This is not a confession- or a post indicating that I have depression. This is just me, the same joyful Nadya that most of you know, except in her lowest moments, trying to get her points across. 

I am no stranger to receiving hate or insults from people whether it'd be in real life or in the internet. I, in fact, try to embrace it as much as I can because regardless of all the negativity, I know that there are people out there who loves me for who I am- which I'm 100%ly thankful for. Often, I would either laugh about it, or maybe complain a little: "Oh my god! Unbelievable!" "Can you mind your own business?!" but this time, this time, I cried. Because it's a little too much. And as much as I respect people, I cannot accept that certain someone's reaction to the situation. I cannot accept the fact that my parents are being dragged into this. Potentially destroying my family. 

This is not my parents fault. No, they have not failed in raising me. No. I cannot stress this enough, they have not failed in raising me. One cannot just say that. I know it was indirectly said, but I'm not stupid. I may be a teenager. I may not know what's really out there in this world that God has created. But I understand what you were trying to say. That my parents have failed in raising me. At least, that's what it came across as to me. 

My parents have not failed in raising me. I strongly believe they will never fail. I know what they do is always the best for me, whether I or anyone else disagree with that. 

I'm the one who have failed. As a daughter, I have failed. I have failed at not disappointing them. Even though I've put them through thick and thin, I'm always asking for more. I have failed at not reaching up to their expectations because they do believe in me & have high expectations. I have failed at so many things.. but they, never in a million years, have failed in raising me. 

I have failed at being their daughter, they have not failed in raising me.